I’m a bit of a Harry Potter fan. When I re-stumbled upon this Dumbledore quote, it gave my challenge new purpose. I’m doing this for Dad. And, with Dad, I can do it.
It is the Easter holidays for 2 weeks. I’m half and half on how I feel about them. Part of me really loves having the bigger girl around, shes funny, helpful, kind & chatty. The other part of me misses the structure of routine, the silence of nap times, the flow of the day. The biggest change of all is my morning walk.
Every morning, after school drop-off. Baby & I head off for a 3-5mile power buggy walk. In the beginning, it was to get her to nap. Whilst that is still my primary conscious concern, I didn’t realise until this week just how much *I* rely on it.
We’re still heading out for walks, the 3 of us, but they are slower, shorter, more stressful. The usual 9.02am eye-closing is replaced by a fraught crying & yelling & 9.18am eye closing, because baby has spotted her big sister & thinks it is play time. Poor big girl has to walk ahead of the buggy, out of sight – this makes me feel bad.
I’m conscious that I need to let baby sleep for her half hour nap (or else all hell will break loose), but also that 6 year old legs can’t walk as fast or as far as mine – though, to give her credit, she has powered through miles in rain & sun without a single moan & joyful exclamations about how “fit” she will be.
I miss the head-space afforded by 40minutes of zoning out.
I’ve realised that I am governed by times & timings. I *think* that my grief & post-natal hum has been, so far, managed by strictly controlling each portion of my day. This explains my unease at things (or me) running late, of baby not napping or eating on time, at people phoning during meal or nap times, the horror of someone wanting to “pop in” at an unarranged time. And I know people look at me with a “wtf” expression when I can’t do x, y or z because of naps, feeds, etc, but you can’t understand how someone else copes, you can only ever understand how you would cope. You cannot judge someone based on how you would handle a situation. You cannot walk a mile in someone else’s shoes. You can only support them. Judging them or using condescending or negative tones isn’t helpful. You are an expert of your own experiences only.
I digress… back to the walking. I’m a numbers nerd. I love the data that my fitbit gives me. Each week, I try to better the last (another mental battle I’m trying to “be cool” about this week). I try to ensure that I reach at least 5 miles a day, every day – with 5 weekday walks & 1 long weekend hike in place, slowly building up the miles. I’m SO looking forward to the challenge & truly believe it is totally achievable.
I’ve been clocking up 6, 7 & 8 miles regularly, but I now need to start chasing double figures. Dad, being a military man, always said “fail to prepare, prepare to fail” & so, I’m doing my very best, with the time & resources I have.
Grief leaves a huge hole in your soul. I feel as though different types of grief are digested and managed in different ways. No grief is more or less important than others, but some leave a much larger gap.
My hope is that the fundraising achieved through doing this challenge, will go someway to help find a cure or treatment for Parkinson’s Disease. I hope that it may fund a specialist Parkinson’s nurse. A valuable piece of equipment. Anything that might ease another family through a turbulent period.
Nic & I have been truly astounded by the generosity of those that have donated, we really have. To think that so many of you have been so thoughtful is truly heartwarming & we really appreciate every single donation, Really, every pound makes such a difference. If you’d like to donate to our 50km hiking challenge, we would be thrilled. You can find the justgiving page here.
Thank you all so much. Be kind to one another. xxby